The following transcript was recently released by the US State Department following a request made under the Freedom of Information Act.

Time: Fall, 2008
Subjects: Two low level Al-Qaeda Operatives
Media: Cell Phone Conversation
Notes: Only one side of the conversation was recorded and transcribed

A cellphone dials. It picks up:

Ahmed? Abdullah. Hey. Look, we’re doing a video and there’s a good chance they’ll play it on Al Jazeera, so we need to borrow your camera… Yeah, the Canon, the good one… No, it’s not that. This one is rhetoric, vague threats, his usual diatribe, you know… I said it’s not that… Well, I didn’t know the last time. They don’t tell me much, I’m just the AV guy and… I know we got blood all over your new camera bag… Dude, it’s Jihad. Life is hard for all of us. Did you try Spray and Wash?… I would have used a plastic sheet, but where do I get that, Ahmed? We’re in Waziristan. It’s not like I can walk into a home center and get a drop cloth or something. Home centers here have like straw and mud, you know? …Look… Well, dude, if you’re gonna be such a dick about it, then… I have an iPhone 3, so, no video… Yeah, he’s got a 4… Yeah, the 32 gig, but he won’t let us use it… He won’t let us use it. He doesn’t want to scuff up the case now that he finally got a Paul Frank… Yeah with a monkey on it… No, he won’t take it off ’cause he doesn’t want scratches. Look, Ahmed… I have no idea if he gets good reception. I’ll just borrow Sharma’s camera… I know it’s a Nikon but it’ll be… No, it doesn’t do that, but we don’t need it to do that, Ahmed, we just need it to… I know yours is better, that’s why I called you first… Tomorrow… No, I can’t show you the sex tape when it’s done because I’m not making a sex tape, I’m… (A loud sigh) Ahmed, no, don’t make a sex tape… No, you won’t get famous… Why not? Cause you’re not hot, Ahmed. You’re not Kim Kardashian… Ahmed, you’re not… She’s Armenian, Ahmed, you’re Afghani and… YOU’RE A GUY, AHMED! She’s a hot chick and… It doesn’t matter if you get a bunch of your wives in on the action, Ahmed. They all wear Burqas. It’ll look like, I don’t know, cub scouts wrestling in tents. Who wants to watch that? Look, I just need the damn camera, Ahmed. Can I borrow the damn camera or not?… Yeah, yeah, you can come… Sure. Whatever at this point… No, you can’t do his make-up, you can hold the reflector… I know he has a big nose, but you can’t fix that with… Good for you, you took a class. Look, just… Just… Ahmed, I’m sure you’re good at it, but, he’s like, allergic or something… Ahmed, I can’t get a friggin’ plastic sheet out here, how am I going to get hypoallergenic base and blush? Can you just bring the camera tomorrow? You can hold the reflector. No make-up… Well, we don’t usually do credits but if it’ll make it happen, yeah. Sure… Sure… No… Sure… Yeah, text me when you get here and I’ll come down and get you… God is good to you too, Ahmed.

Hangs up.